Being the Good Girl is Dangerous
TW: This post briefly discusses sexual violence, attempted murder, and violence against women. Please take care of yourself while engaging with this content.
I was watching I Survived a Serial Killer when an episode featured Enietra Washington, the only known survivor of the attacks attributed to the man known as the Grim Sleeper. I won’t name him here. Washington has told her own story publicly, and it is worth hearing in her own words.
What struck me wasn’t only the violence she survived. It was the social meaning embedded in the encounter.
Washington initially refused the man’s offer of a ride. According to her testimony, he responded with a familiar accusation directed at Black women: “That’s what’s wrong with you Black women. People can’t be nice to you.” She eventually accepted the ride, partly because she felt sorry for him. What followed was an attempted murder and sexual assault that nearly cost her her life.
That sentence stayed with me because of what it reveals about a particular kind of gendered pressure: the expectation that a Black woman should prove she is not “one of those” women.
There is something deeply unsettling about the way women can be placed in competition with one another through a man’s approval. One woman becomes the “respectful” woman. Another becomes difficult, disrespectful, cold, angry, promiscuous, or ungrateful. The categories change, but the underlying message remains: prove to me that you are different from her.
And when that dynamic is filtered through race, the stakes can become even more complicated. Black women have historically had to navigate both racism from outside their communities and gendered expectations within them. The demand to be loyal, respectful, accommodating, desirable, or “a good Black woman” can become another form of social currency. It requires women to continually demonstrate their worth to men and, sometimes, to one another.
We do not blame victims here, so Washington’s story does not establish that this dynamic caused what happened to her. The responsibility for the violence belongs entirely to the person who attacked her. Nevertheless, her account offers a disturbing illustration of how quickly an ordinary interaction can become entangled with gendered assumptions about what a woman owes a man, and how easily those assumptions can be weaponized.
Perhaps the more uncomfortable question is this:
What happens when women are taught that another woman’s approval, respectability, or perceived “goodness” determines whether they themselves deserve a man’s respect?
Because the moment a man convinces women that they have to compete for the title of the good one, he no longer has to convince them of their worth.
They start proving it to him, and to each other.
What is the “Good Girl”?
The “Good Girl” usually isn’t born. She’s taught.
From a young age, girls learn that some behaviors earn approval while others earn correction, rejection, or the dreaded label of difficult.
Be agreeable, helpful, pleasant, “keep sweet”, and definitely don’t make things awkward. Did you ask too much? Are you making everyone uncomfortable?
Eventually, “being good” becomes being easy for everyone else to be around.
The Good Girl learns to:
Avoid conflict, even when her gut says something is wrong
Worry about how she is perceived
Take responsibility for other people’s feelings
Say “yes” when she really means “no”
Keep the peace at her own expense
Look for the good in people long after they have stopped treating her well
Avoid being seen as spoiled, high-maintenance, demanding, angry, selfish, or difficult
Give others the benefit of the doubt while rarely extending that same compassion to herself
Society teaches girls that being good means being accommodating. While these same expectations do not exist for boys.
That lesson can follow women well into adulthood. And it leaves women vulnerable to exploitation.
What I am NOT saying is to be cruel, harm, or exploit other people.
Having boundaries isn't permission to treat people badly.
Choosing yourself doesn't require you to stop caring about other people.
The problem is what happens when caring about everyone else requires abandoning yourself.
Performing “niceness” is not the same as being kind.
There is a difference between kindness and compliance.
Kindness comes from choice.
People-pleasing often comes from fear.
You can be generous without being endlessly available. You can be compassionate without taking responsibility for someone else's emotions. You can love someone deeply and still say no.
“Niceness” is actually self-abandonment happening in real time.
And relationships can develop an asymmetrical expectation:
He gets to take.
She learns to give.
He can have preferences. She becomes “high-maintenance” for having them.
He can be angry. She becomes “a bitch” for expressing hers.
He can say no. She is expected to understand.
She says no? Suddenly, she has an attitude.
Over time, women can become so accustomed to accommodating others that their own needs start to feel unreasonable.
What I am saying is:
Get comfortable being the villain in someone else's story.
Someone might be upset when you finally say no. They might call you selfish, difficult, cold, or ungrateful.
Let them have their feelings.
Someone being disappointed by your boundary does not mean your boundary is wrong.
You don't have to become cruel. You don't have to stop caring. You don't have to stop being generous. Self-erasure is not the price of being loved.
Start noticing where you:
Say “yes” when you mean “no”
Volunteer for things you secretly resent
Overexplain your needs so they're easier for someone else to accept
Manage other people's emotions instead of your own
Ask What will keep everyone happy? before asking What do I actually want?
Make yourself smaller to avoid rejection
Treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you. Then extend that same care outward.
Chronic people-pleasing is not a “kind” thing to do, but rather dishonest behavior that does not build real connection. It’s really inauthentic, and dare I say, fake as fuck.
When women are taught to center the male gaze, rejection can become terrifying.
If I assert myself, will I be seen as difficult?
If I have expectations, will he leave?
If I say no, will he call me selfish? A bitch?
If I stop making his life easier, will he still love me?
That fear can become self-abandonment:
The work is learning that being disliked is survivable.
You can disappoint someone and still be a good person.
You can have boundaries and still be kind.
You can be angry and still be loving.
You can say no without becoming the villain.
And you can finally stop auditioning for the role of Good Girl long enough to find out who you actually are.
If you're looking for an Orlando therapist who understands women’s mental health, people-pleasing, neurodivergence, relationships, identity, and the complicated process of coming back to yourself, Restored Earth Therapy offers therapy for women and couples in Florida.